All I Want
by Raising Stability
Summary: It took me five minutes to learn his name, five months to kiss him, and five years to call him, so I could re-enter his life. I’m not the only one who hates time, right?
1. APOV: Preface

Well… I'm new at this, so I'm not really sure what to write here. Thanks for bothering to click this, maybe? I do apologize for the shortness. It's more of a prologue, I guess. I'll try and make them longer. And I guess this is what you would consider an AU, but I'm not positive. Okay, I won't write any more, since I'm not sure if people read these.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

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Ever notice how good books have great opening lines? Authors know they can't have a boring beginning or else the reader won't continue to read. So, they start out with a thrilling line, to start the moment. Another option would be to begin the novel with dialogue, most likely something witty. They could also write an emotional statement to capture a feeling and to further connect with the reader.

Well, those are great beginnings for writers (I'll have to remember those when I start writing my book), but how the hell does someone start writing a diary? Yes, I am going to call it that, as opposed to a journal. I don't care if it makes me sound gayer than I already am.

I suppose I could just start out with an introduction.

Hi, I'm Axel.

…

And I can just see the eye-rolling now. I doubt some random stranger is going to read this, so you all should know who I am. However, I can't rule out the possibility that my apartment won't ever be robbed, so to the burglar who should be running instead of reading this crap: The name's Axel. Got it memorized?

…

Okay, I had hoped that by making it seem catchier it would sound better, but now I'm sure I just sound like a geek or something. Trust me, though I've been absorbed into trying to fulfill my writing career, I am still a wild person.

Yes, a wild twenty-five year old who's writing in a diary in their spare time. Damn therapy technique.

Not to worry, Reader. I am, for the most part, sane. I have my unstable moments, but who doesn't? I'll admit, I was probably headed toward a mental breakdown a few years back, but I met someone who was able to steer me away from it.

But… that would be revealing too much of my "story" too soon, wouldn't it? Yeah, I've never seen any two-page best-sellers either.

Anyway, back to the point. I am not crazy. I'm just a guy with a love for writing who's trying to finish college. Many people could argue that authors in general are crazy (I'm still amazed by the all the fantasy, sci-fi shit people can come up with), and some of them would probably be right. But, really, who am I to judge?

I know what you're thinking. Yeah, you probably think that I must have no social life if I can give time to ramble about things you couldn't care less about.

Don't worry; I'm thinking the exact same thing. Well, technically, I'm realizing that I could be using this time to do something productive, like write three different essays so I can pass a class and, more importantly, graduate. I've stayed back a grade two different times in my life, I refuse to make it three.

Now, don't get me wrong. While I'm not the smartest guy alive, I do (for the most part) understand the work I have to do (most of the time). I'm just one of the biggest procrastinators you'll ever meet (read about). That would be the only downside to becoming a writer: deadlines. Or maybe that's what I get for moving away and not going to the college in my hometown. No friends to help motivate me. Not sure what they could do, since they are either A) Slackers, like myself, B) Too busy to help me, or C) Hate me too much to really be my friend any more.

I'm sure you all think option C is impossible, since I must come across as such a kind, loveable guy (again, I know you're rolling your eyes), but yes, some people actually hate me. Understandable, once you actually get to know me. I'm an asshole to most people, even though I don't really have a reason to be. I'd say it was because I was trying to perfect my loner persona, except that I was a pretty popular guy, and I don't really hate people.

So I'm sure you're all forming ideas about how my, let's say "rough around the edges," behavior is attributed to a messy breakup, or a tough home life, but…

Okay, I'm not really comfortable with writing about that. Guess I haven't warmed up to the diary quite as much as I thought I had.

I think I'm done writing in this right now, since it's after two in the morning, and I can feel the energy drinks wearing off. Yes, I am going to bed, even though I still have those other things to write and without having a concrete opening to this diary-thing.

Don't say anything! I know that you, whoever you are, would argue that these five pages would be my beginning, but it seems too dull to be one. No, this would be my preface, or, though it might be a stretch, my acknowledgements section. I have now just come up with an idea. While it's just in the working stages, I am hoping that this will enrapture you, and that you'll continue to read this… thing.

It took me five minutes to learn his name, five months to kiss him, and five years to call him, so I could re-enter his life. I'm not the only one who hates time, right?

* * *

May 2, 2009 (Yeah, I know, I didn't add one of these to the last entry. Deal with it).

Okay, so I'm having an insomnia moment. Guess I can add a little bit more to this. Sure, I could write an essay before I'll start to feel tired again, but I might as well write something that won't even matter once I'm done with it. And yes, I still am writing the preface. Again, deal with it.

Well, I'm sure that when you saw my way to start this diary, you all sighed, "Ah, melodrama." Well, the timeline may be a little off, but that is pretty much how it happened. I was nineteen when I met him. Sadly, I was still in high school, due to the fact I had to repeat my fourth year of elementary school and my freshman year of high school. While I may be awake, I don't feel like saying why yet. Though, if this thing is all done when you happen to read it, just skip ahead a few pages of curiosity gets the better of you, I guess.

Anyway, I met him my senior year. Sure, I'd known the kid since I had to be a freshman again, but I never really knew him, if you get what I mean. He was just one of those kids that I could probably pick out of a crowd of people (you'd get why, if you ever saw him). And I thought I had spiky hair… Well, maybe I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a crowd, since I didn't know his name (hence why I called him kid). I'm just really bad with names.

So, really, what else should I write about this? Sure, I could probably start the actual story, but I think I might get everything jumbled up, due to the fact that my eyes are drooping as I scribble all this down.

I'd say good night or something, but then I'd feel sort of awkward, since I would have to write it down and I wouldn't get reply in return.

Ah, screw it.

Later, diary-thing.

* * *

So… how did I do? This is my first story, so I probably messed up Axel's character, but maybe you could review and let me know? This new writer would truly appreciate it.

And I'm sorry if you don't really like the format of this. It'll switch every chapter between Roxas and Axel, so you won't just see the boring, diary writer.

Again, please review. I'll probably need the help, or the tiny self-confidence boost.


	2. RPOV: Five Years Waiting

* * *

Well, here I am again. A big thanks to my one reviewer and everyone else who read. Again, this chapter is short, because this is Roxas's introductory chapter. Hopefully, they'll increase in length, but no promises.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

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Even though the car ride over to the station was a short one, I had managed to ask myself this over a hundred times: Why the hell was I doing this? Sure, I've wanted this ever since he left five years ago—_still _want it—but why the hell am I seeing him when it fits into _his _schedule, when he's decided he wants to see me?

God damn it, he doesn't get to control everything!

Driving was supposed to calm me down, not work me up and stress me out even more than I already was. I exhaled with relief once I parked my car and turned off the ignition. However, I couldn't force myself to get _out _of it. With a sigh, I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned forward, resting my head on the top of the steering wheel.

Why did Axel have to be so much trouble? Really, I haven't spoken to the guy the entire time he's been gone. Now, after all this time, he calls, saying he'd made some sort of revelation—at least, that's what it sounded like. I forgot how fast he could talk when he rambles—and he needed to see me.

Apparently, he had been studying at Hollow Bastian University, though he had spent the first year after high school to earn money to afford said university, and just graduated. Truthfully, I was happy for him. He had always talked about getting some type of writing career, and we both knew how much a degree could help him.

Personally, I'm a math person, and somewhat interested in psychology, even though I'm not really a people-person. I'm quiet, but not anti-social or anything, and a bit shy around most people, until I feel comfortable around them. Maybe that's why I liked Axel so much, I don't know. He was a vocal person who had a goofy personality, which made it so you could never take him seriously. Though, it was more of a façade than anything. He had a way to get people to underestimate him, normally involving him acting like a dumbass. In some cases, though, it wasn't just an act.

Beneath the surface, Axel was an intelligent, kind person, while only to a select few. It was a side of him that he'd rarely ever show, though he had a good reason for it. That side, the _real _side, ended up getting burned repeatedly.

Raising my eyebrows in surprise, I found myself unconsciously clenching the steering wheel. Not shocking, I reminded myself. I always got pissed off when I thought about Axel—except now I was pissed off _for _him, not _at _him.

"Who am I kidding?" I muttered to myself. No matter how much I wanted to be, I've never been truly mad at Axel. Sure, I'm disappointed and upset at him, but never angry that he just picked up and left without any notice.

Hearing a soft, sudden tone ring through my car, I sat up fully and reached around for my cell phone. Finding it in my pocket, I took it out and answered, "Hello?"

_"Hey, it's Riku. Where are you?"_

"The station. Why?"

Talking with Riku had always been easy. We're both straightforward, and tend to be more on the silent side. Though, while I haven't learned the entire story, he'd been in bad shape before he regularly hung out with my step-brother, Sora. Sora's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's one of the most good-hearted people I know, and apparently helped Riku to be a more civil, open person.

Well, to some extent, anyway.

_"Sora's looking for you. I'm giving him the phone."_

Barely two seconds later, I heard Sora's familiar voice. _"Roxas! Where are you?!"_

"The station," I repeated, sighing. "What's up?"

_"I've been calling your apartment and haven't heard from you. I was worried."_

"And why didn't you call my cell?" I questioned, unable to keep out the teasing tone in my voice.

_"I can't find my cell, and I don't remember your number. Riku does, though."_

… Obviously, Sora.

_"Anyway, what're you doing there?"_

Damn. I hadn't told him about Axel. Actually, I don't think I've had time to tell him about Axel. He only just called me two days ago, and I haven't seen talked to Sora in the meantime.

"Erm, well…"

_"You're getting Axel, aren't you?" _Sora asked in an eerily quiet voice.

Needless to say, I was quite surprised. Who else did Axel call? "How'd you find out?"

_"Kairi told me."_

That would explain it. While they weren't exactly close, they were cousins. I should've known Axel would call her.

"Look, Sora," I sighed. "I didn't have time to talk to you. Don't take it personally."

_"Roxas,"_ he cut me off. Great, this was going to turn into one of the moments he'd act serious. And when it'll be all over, he'll probably remind me that he's just acting like a "big brother." _"Do you really think you should be doing this?"_

I knew it was rhetorical, but I answered, "Yeah, Sora. I _do _think I should be doing this. He asked me to, so I don't think he'd be too happy to find himself ride-less after he decided to come back."

_"You could've said no,"_ he reminded.

Yeah, "big" brother, I was really going to abandon my boyfriend—I'm not sure if he would technically be my ex-boyfriend or not—when I haven't even talked to him since we graduated high school.

_"Roxas,"_ he started again, _"what if he just leaves again? Remember how long you were upset over him leaving? You seemed like you were going to be okay again, and now he just randomly calls? I just don't want to see you get hurt again."_

"I know," I answered quietly. Despite how opposite we were, Sora and I had always had a close, brotherly bond, ever since my mom married his dad when we were both six. He always hated seeing me upset, because I don't get upset by much, and I hated seeing him get hurt, since he's the most genuinely happy person I've ever met, and he deserves to stay that way. "Thanks for caring, Sora, I appreciate it. But… I really have to do this, okay? I've been waiting for an explanation for five years and I need to _see _him give one."

After a moment of silence, I heard the crackling sound of static. He must've sighed, relenting. _"Okay, okay, you win." _I could see his normal grin in place now. _"Call me when you two get to your place. I wanna see him again too."_

I was unable to suppress a chuckle at the sound of his childish voice. "Sure, Sora. Okay, I'm gonna go now. Later."

_"Bye."_

After hanging up, I ran a hand through my naturally spiky. A sudden thought had gone through my mind. He had better not be showing up because he needs money or something. Axel didn't seem like the type, but anyone could be that desperate. When I was growing up, the only time I would see or hear from my dad, my biological one, would be when he was short on cash. He gave up when I was around eight though. I haven't heard from him since then, either. Good riddance. The man was just a greedy bastard. Just my luck, Axel probably turned into one too.

Getting out of the car, I slammed the door shut, hoping to release the steadily rising frustration within me. I knew, even from day one, that Axel would cause me nothing but trouble.

That never made me regret meeting him, though.

* * *

Well, there's Roxas's chapter. The next one will be Axel's. Please, let me know what you think about this: the format, the POV, anything. Or give me constructive criticism. That's why I'm here after all, to improve my writing.

My vacation's ending shortly, so I'm not sure when I'll be able to update. I'll try my best to make them weekly or bi-weekly, though.


	3. APOV: Of Pencils and Erasers

Sorry for the wait. I've had this chapter written, it just took me awhile to copy it from paper to my laptop. I hope you understand. Thanks to everyone who's read, reviewed, etc.

I would also like to say that words that are underlined are meant to be read as italicized words. I'm trying to keep things authentic as to writing an actual journal, and, I'm not sure if this is just me or not, but I can't write in italics. But, if I get enough complaints about it, I guess I can change to how it's supposed to look.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

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May 5, 2009

And here I am again. Personally, I'm shocked. See, I tend to have the habit of giving up on things, and writing about my life doesn't seem like something I would want to do. After all, I all ready lived it once, what's the point in writing it down? I see no purpose in reliving it again, so maybe I'm doing it for you… if you decided to keep reading, that is.

How could you not, though? That ending line (remember, it's technically my beginning) just captured and made you decide to keep reading, didn't it?

… Yeah, I can all ready hear you sighing. Just let me believe that I can actually become an author someday, okay? I'm sure you don't want to carry the burden of knowing that you ruined my dream.

Anyway, I suppose I should now get to the actual point of this. Well, I was born July 27, 1984. That's right, I was born in the '80's. Sadly, I don't really remember much of it. Ah well, no big loss.

Moving on, I had a mother and a father. No siblings, which has never really bothered me. True, my parents weren't really attentive toward me, my father anyway, but I just never really pictured my life with a brother or sister. Maybe I just had anti-social tendencies as a child, I'm not sure. Just remember: I don't hate people. Well… people in general, I should say.

There's not really anything left to say. Correction, I just don't really feel like sharing it right now. I bet you're all thinking, 'How hard can it be to write something down?' Well, I'd just like to be the one to tell you that it is quite difficult to do. Writing involves thinking about the words, which causes you to remember the event. And I'm sure you've noticed that you often remember the most details in bad memories than in good ones.

Not to sound too angsty, but some memories shouldn't be remembered.

But that is a story for a later date (unless you decide to skip all of this exposition and read that part… if I ever work up the courage to actual write it, anyway). Now to start talking about what, or who, you've been waiting to hear, I mean read, about. The 'he' I referred to. I'm sure the suspense was getting to you and you're so excited to read it. I know I am.

So it all began my senior year of high school. Needless to say, I was thrilled at the idea of finally graduating and getting out of here. The happiness soon morphed into disappointment. All my friends had graduated last year, not that I really had that many to begin with. I guess that's what happens when you're still in high school after just turning nineteen. Just another reason to add to the long list of why people hate aging.

I sighed. I could just be my pessimistic self and wallow in self-pity, but that wasn't really my style. Instead, I dug and unfolded my schedule. Another year, another seven classes to memorize. It didn't matter when I had what, though I don't really like any of the people in my actual grade.

Wait, that wasn't exactly right. It's not that I didn't like that, per se, it's that I didn't really know any of them, and never really bothered to. Most of them I just called 'kid,' only because I'm bad with names. Several of them told me their name, but it never just… stuck, you know?

I remembered my mood worsening when I discovered that I didn't have English until sixth period. Everything before that, and the one class after, was going to be boring, or I just wouldn't be good at them. I was looking at PE especially for the latter. I was okay at most sports, but definitely not an athlete. I blame my lanky body for not having much muscle.

The first day of school was boring, for the most part. That's usually the sign of how the entire year would go. If nothing interesting happens the first day, why would anything happen during the second day, third, fourth, and every day after? Personally, I do not really remember my first, second, or third period classes, so you will have to forgive me for not going into detail about them. I guess you have no choice but to forgive me, seeing as there is nothing you can do about it.

To fourth period then, which I guess would be considered a central point to this story, wait, diary, thing. One would definitely not expect that, seeing as it was study hall. Really, what would you expect to happen in a period that gave you time to study? Not that many people ever used it for that (guilty as charged), but still the monitor Xigbar was really laid-back kind of guy, so he never really cared if people talked. That was what we called him. No formal 'mister' in front of it. Just… Xigbar. Truthfully, I could never figure out if that was his first or last name. Doesn't matter now, I guess.

So, to study hall, the class right before lunch. Sadly, without anyone to talk to, I knew the class was going to go by painfully slow. My previous class had been nearby, so I had been one of the first people to enter.

"Axel," Xigbar had greeted me. Of course he knew me by name, seeing as this was my fifth, and last, year here.

"Xigbar," I answered back, taking a seat at one of the desks in the back.

On site, I could easily identify which of the students were freshmen. They were the ones who looked in awe at the unfamiliar surroundings, or instead of being awe-struck, they looked uneasy, almost frightful.

Or they were the kids I had never seen before. That was a possibility, too. See, while I wasn't good at memorizing names, I was good with faces. I could easily tell if I knew a person by his face. I just might not remember what to call them.

The bell rang, symbolizing the beginning of class. Xigbar didn't take the opportunity to formally introduce himself, opting to scribble his name on the white board behind him, and to tell everyone to, and I quote, "Just act chill," so that he wouldn't have to give any detentions. No, don't suddenly think that it was because he didn't want students to stay after school. It was because he didn't want to.

After he called off the semi-long list of names, he sat down in a computer chair and took out a book. While I couldn't see it, something told me he was reading about either a war, or the weapons used in one. Those were the only things I had ever seen the man read about.

Reaching into my bag, I took out a fresh notebook. I was hoping to just jot down a few ideas that had been floating around in my head. Now, these ideas never turned into anything. Most of the time they were thrown out, but occasionally I could turn one into a short story or something. Almost like what I am doing right now, except I'm using my actual life. Never thought that would happen.

Looking for my pencil in my pocket, I was dismayed to find out… that I had lost it. Strange, I had had it in the last period. I must have accidentally left it there. Oh well, that situation just gave me another excuse to use my natural charm.

Poking the blond kid in front of me in the shoulder, I didn't even wait for him to turn around. "Hey, gotta pencil?" See, clear, evident charm.

Without even turning around, the kid reached into his bag, taking one out and it behind himself to me. "Here."

"Thanks." Oh yeah, I'm also polite. Was that a shocker?

"I need it back after this," he continued, still not looking at me.

I had a feeling that there would be a catch. "You got it."

Honestly, I don't even remember anything I wrote, so it must've been in the former category of that happens to my ideas, rather than the latter. It doesn't matter now anyway, so no point in dwelling on it.

A few minutes later, five or ten, I guess, I was startled by a small tapping sound coming from my desk. Looking up, I came face-to-face with… a senior. That's right, I didn't bother to keep track of the names of my classmates.

"Do you have an eraser?"

"Yeah, I just so happen to be the guy who carries erasers around, but not pencils." Yeah, I forgot to mention: I'm also a smart ass. Try not to look too surprised.

"Funny, Axel." Okay, so he knew who I was. He wasn't new. "So should I take that as a no?"

"Sounds like one to me. But here," I held his pencil out to him, "take it back. I left the eraser on for you."

With a chuckle, he replied, "How thoughtful. You sure you don't need it?"

"I'll be fine. I have connections, I can get another one. So, thanks anyway…" I trailed off, not able to pull his name out of my mind.

He seemed to notice. "Roxas, Axel. This is the third time I've told you."

And I didn't remember either of those times… not that I ever told him that. "It's been memorized, Roxas," I said, with hopefully a convincing smile.

"Right," was all he said, skeptically, as he turned back around.

So… how was that? Yes, that was really all of the exciting, real conversation between Roxas and I. We didn't talk anymore that day, or for a few days, as a matter of fact. Maybe I should apologize to you or something. I'm sorry if I falsely alluded that this was going to be some clichéd love at first sight story. I'd just like to say right now that it's not. Truthfully, I never thought that much about him for awhile. He was just in the group of people that I didn't really know, but that I would greet in the halls or make small talk with.

I doubt that he thought much about me either. Doesn't matter to me though. While I wasn't someone people wouldn't think about, I was someone who couldn't be who couldn't be forgotten. At least, that's how another friend thought about me. Ironically, he's probably forgotten about me, seeing as I haven't heard from him for about a year. But, people drift apart, so it's only to be expected.

Anyway, I don't think that you care about my views on people and their relationships. You just got to see that beautiful conversation about pencils and erasers. You could just see (or picture, I would assume) the sparks flying between us, couldn't you?

Don't worry, I'm sure that probably none of our friends saw it either, even after we had been dating for some time. Maybe we were the couple that was never meant to be, I don't know. But… that would involve talking about relationships, so I'm just going to stop writing now.

* * *

Well, how was it? Hopefully not too bad. Please review and let me know, okay? I'll try and get the next chapter up soon, but no promises.


	4. RPOV: Insecurities

Well, sorry for the wait. School's wrapping up and I'm getting swamped with work. I can't really do anything about that, especially considering I'm close to failing a class. I really don't want that to happen. Thanks to everyone still reading this!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

Axel was… an interesting guy, to say the least. That had been my first thought of him, ever since that first day I was a freshman. Almost ten years ago, now that I realize it. Ever since I saw his fiery red, spiky hair that just screamed for attention.

I'm not sure if he's still like that, with his unique looks and three-dimensional person personality, but I'd like to think so. He told me once that I knew him the best, and that's the only way I can see him.

Truthfully, he had been a bit of a bully, which had caused me to dislike him. He wasn't a stereotypical bully, per se, but he definitely knew how to verbally assault someone. He was never insulting to me—well, a couple of times he had, but it was hard to avoid, seeing as we had been classmates—but I knew people who he had been a little tougher on, more ruthless. He had even bullied people who were older than him! At the time, back at being around fourteen, his behavior puzzled me, though I wasn't too concerned about it. We were acquaintances, at best, so his behavior didn't matter to me.

Personally, I'm quick to judge, and I'm a loyal person. My opinion on someone isn't often swayed, but there are exceptions. Axel was one of those exceptions.

Sophomore year, Axel seemed more down-beat than the previous one. Only now I know that that was more of Axel's real personality. Comparing the two when I didn't know him was unfair, because what people see of Axel in public barely scratches the surface.

Strangely, he didn't often bother my rather large group of friends. I later found out that the reason was that he was Kairi's, Sora's best friends, cousin. They weren't particularly close, but they did care for each other, and she was an influence on him. He seemed protective of her, and was relaxed in her presence.

It was difficult for him to accept Sora. Not because they did not like each other or anything like that, it just took some time for Axel to adjust to his… loud, optimistic personality. Sora's cheerfulness and Axel's sarcasm clashed, but they eventually meshed and the two were friends.

And, because Sora and Axel were friends, he was friends with Riku as well. You never got one without the other.

Hayner… Hayner was a different story. Axel knows how to push someone's buttons, and with Hayner having an easily ignited temper, he knew just how to rile him up. My best friend had never fully accepted Axel, even though Pence and Olette did. The only thing they had in common was a shared dislike of Seifer, which Hayner doesn't even have anymore. I think that things would now be tenser with them.

There was this one time, freshman year I believe, when he had injured me, albeit mildly. It had been gym class, flag football. He had broken the rules and pushed me, and somehow I knocked out a tooth when I fell. He might be skinny, but he did weigh more than me to balance out his height—at the time anyway.

He received a few detentions, and I got to get my tooth put back in. It looks weird, and I didn't want it done, but my mom insisted. I've been self-conscious of my smile ever since.

Not that I blame him. I did at first, but one day, a couple of weeks after the start of our senior year, an event ended up changing my mind.

* * *

_It was lunchtime, and I had a giant headache. After five minutes of Olette's urging, I excused myself from our lunch table, saying I was going to the nurse to get some aspirin._

_I didn't go._

_In actuality, I went outside, knowing that one would be out there. In the back of the main building, there was a nice, grassy area shaded by a giant oak tree. I was going to sit under it and rest my eyes… until I noticed someone sitting there already._

_"Roxas, right?"_

_That someone happened to be Axel._

_"Hey Axel. What're you doing out here?"_

_"I've been hangin' around here at lunch, writing, reading… sleeping. It just depends on my mood."_

_Senior Axel was so much calmer than I had ever seen him before. Then again, I didn't see him as much this year than the others, so I guess I couldn't really see the change sooner._

_"So you're reading. What mood does that mean?"_

_He shrugged. "You make it sound like I'm a mood ring or something. Means I'm not in the mood to write or sleep." I found his sense of humor amusing. "What're you going out here?"_

_"Just needed to get away from the noise."_

_"I get that. Wanna sit down? Or do you need to be alone?"_

_"If that's okay with you."_

_He nodded, and I sat down, stretching out my legs. While I couldn't see what he was reading, I could tell that it was a thick book. Guess it had to do with his literature fascination._

_"Sorry to bother you, but can you see okay?" I asked him after a few minutes of watching him squint his eyes._

_With a chuckle, he replied, "I have glasses, I just hate wearing them. But I hate contacts even more, so I only wear my glasses when I _really _need them."_

_"I've never seen you with them," I commented._

_"I hate wearing them in front of people," he admitted. "I look funnier than normal."_

_I was surprised. Axel wasn't quite as shameless as he appeared to be. I had a moment of sympathy for him, knowing how he felt._

_"I hate my smile," I confided._

_He was silent for a moment. "I'm sorry 'bout your tooth."_

_I blinked. He remembered _that_ but not my name? "I-it's okay, Axel. Accident, right?"_

_"Yeah, but I never apologized for it. So… sorry."_

_"Thanks, Axel." It was good to hear that he was apologetic for it. I wasn't really one to hold grudges over little incidents, but I figured he'd want to hear it. "I don't blame you or anything, so don't worry about that."_

_"Thanks, Roxas," he said with a small smile._

_After that, I rose from the ground, deciding to leave him alone. My head was feeling better anyway._

_"Hey Roxas." I turned around. "Come back if you ever want to get away from people."_

_"Maybe I will. See ya."_

* * *

That was the first time I had a real conversation with him, something personal that had no relation to class work. Nothing that memorable to it, but, to me, it was pretty good. It gave me a tiny glimpse into Axel's real personality. It wasn't much, but it gave me more insight than most people received.

Suddenly, I heard my cell phone ring. Grabbing it, I checked who was calling before answering. "Olette?"

She sighed. _"Roxas, why can't you ever start a conversation with the word 'hello'?"_

"Sorry. At least I don't do it every time."

_"You normally do when you talk to me. I mean, sure, you know it's me, but you can still just greet me when I call, can't you?"_

"Yeah, I'll remember." She doesn't know that I only do it to irritate her. She's patient, so it's amusing to annoy her over something small. Or maybe that's Axel rubbing off on me, I don't know.

_"You always say that,"_ she muttered just loud enough for me to hear.

"So what's up?" I asked, deciding to get away from the current topic.

_"I… I heard that Axel's coming back. Are you picking him up?"_

Word gets around fast. I guess I should remember that. "Yeah, I am. Why?" I wanted to ask if she was going to try and talk me out if it, but I didn't have it in me.

_"So he called you, right? I heard from Kairi, but she didn't have all the details."_

"He just called saying he was going to come up and see me. He didn't really say much else, or give me any chance to say anything back."

_"Sounds like him," _she answered with a small giggle.

"I just figured I could do this for him, you know?"

_"You don't owe him anything," _she answered, voice in her serious Axel-was-a-bastard-for-leaving-without-any-notice tone. _"If I were you, I wouldn't even bother."_

"Olette, you're too nice to ditch someone," I reminded.

_"Still, he doesn't deserve it. And I know you know that."_

I was quiet for a minute, allowing her words to sink in. That's what I had been trying to convince myself for years. He. Wasn't. Worth it. And yet….

"Olette, I'm kinda doing this for me too. It's not like I'll force him into staying or anything, I just want to know what made him leave in the first place." I wasn't selfish enough to think that I was the only cause. His dad, probably, was a big cause for his absence. I felt my hand clutch the phone a little bit harder.

_"I know Roxas. I'm not trying to discourage you or anything."_

"Don't worry, I know," I responded. Olette had always been one to vocalize her opinions, but never force you to follow, or even agree, with them. She just wanted to make sure they were known.

_"Do you know when he's coming?"_

"Hm… what's it now, after six? Probably seven, maybe a little after. I just wanted to get here early, just in case."

Part of him thought that he was making sure to give himself time to decide if he really wanted to pick him up or not. That, if given enough thought, he could just leave and ditch Axel as payback for abandoning him. He wished that part of him would just go away.

_"Well, I should get going. Call if you need to talk to me."_

"I know. Thanks."

_"Anytime. Bye."_

"See ya." I hung up the phone and tucked it back into my pocket.

I wasn't going to change my mind. I _refuse _to change my mind. It's important to me, and it is to him as well. I could handle seeing him again, right? It's not like he'd change or anything. Axel wasn't one for change, he liked things to remain as they originally were.

So… why do I still feel insecure? Sure, he let me down, but that has to be why he's coming back. He'll set things right, that's what he always does.

Right?

* * *

It's a bit shorter than the last chapter, but I just couldn't seem to make it want to cooperate. I hope you find it review-worthy though. On another note, I will be going on vacation soon, almost immediately after school ends. I'll try and update before that, but if I'm gone for a long stretch of time, just check my profile for when I'll be back.


	5. APOV: Initiative

Is it strange that people seem to like the Axel chapters more, and yet the Roxas ones get the most reviews? I just noticed that a little while ago. Although, I'm not complaining; I'm just happy with the number of reviews I've been getting. It might not seem like a lot, but for my first story, I'm quite pleased. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed. It means a lot to me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

May 9, 2009

I'm running out of ways to keep starting this, which is sad, since this is only my third entry. Should I even bother to write this if I have to force myself? Then again, that's probably the only way I will write this, so I guess I don't have a choice.

I'm afraid I'll become a slave to this thing, and once I get put under its spell, I won't be able to stop writing. That fear isn't as illogical as it sounds, is it? Have some pity for me, even if you don't understand what I mean. Trust me, I'll appreciate it.

Well, before you all start hating me (if you haven't already), let me just get back to writing about my exciting nineteen-year-old life.

Roxas started hanging out with me at lunch about once or twice a week. Even though he denied it, I think he actually did pity me. I was friendless that last year, and I think he realized it, and felt bad for me.

Or maybe not, I don't know. I'm terrible at making assumptions, or, as I'd like to refer to them as, educated guesses.

Anyway, his company was nice, calm. We could make small talk, just conversing about light, easy topics. And… I liked talking to him. He'd ask me about my writing, even though he probably wasn't interested, and he let me rant about a variety of things, usually like something I read in a book. He'd often express interest, though I'm still not sure if it was feigned or not.

However, I would always remember this one conversation, about a month or so after he started hanging out with me, that was almost a breaking point in our… I'm not sure if I'd call it a friendship at that point, but you get what I mean… hopefully.

It started out with Roxas asking me about my age.

"What? Do I look too young to be nineteen?"

"N-no, nothing like that," he had stuttered, seeming to be embarrassed. "I was just wondering if you stayed back more than once or something."

"Yeah. Freshman year, which you already know, and fourth grade." To all those who think I might have an ego, it wasn't bruised or anything by admitting that. In fact, it's never bothered me before.

"So… what happened to make you fail fourth grade? I mean, most of elementary school's easy, and you seem like a pretty smart guy… when you want to be."

Even though I never cared about people knowing that I had flunked a couple of grades, I never liked sharing why. It was a touchy subject for me, so I fought to keep my face normal. "Thanks for the ego-booster, Roxas. I'll cherish it forever."

However, it seemed that I didn't do a good enough job, because his narrowed in either suspicion or concern. I never figured out which. "Is it something you don't wanna talk about? Sorry for asking, if it's too personal."

"No," I commented before I could stop myself. I didn't want the kid to feel bad for something he didn't know about, "don't worry about it." I was quiet for a few minutes, but when I realized Roxas wasn't going to say anything, I whispered, "My mom died. I… didn't do any of the work and I missed a lot of days, so I was held back."

"Axel," was all Roxas said for a beat. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," I repeated. "It was a long time ago." Ten years, I had realized. Some son I was… "I'm over it." Back then, that was a lie. Even if it had been ten years ago, it was still something that tormented me. But now, at the age of twenty-five, I had moved on.

"How… how did she…?"

He was nervous to ask, and I was petrified to answer. Usually people picked up on my reluctance to talk about her. But not Roxas, I guess. Or maybe he figured he should just ask now, instead of trying to bring it up again.

Whatever it was, I decided to answer, despite how much I had wanted to crawl under a rock at that point. "Suicide."

Before Roxas could stutter an apology, I got to my feet. "Sorry, just remembered I need something from my locker. Bye."

Looking back on it, that conversation had not been that much of a disaster. I mean, it could have easily been worse, right? Regardless, I didn't see Roxas at lunch for a few days, and he sat away from me during study hall. He had felt bad about bringing my mom up, I know now, and he was trying to put off any awkward conversation.

At the time, however, I didn't know, so I decided to take the initiative. My plan had been to ambush him during study hall, but since I noticed that he had been doing work the entire time, I decided not interrupt him.

Instead, I located him at lunch, hanging out with his actual friends. The kid was quiet, but he sure knew a lot of people. Once I had assessed all the people at the table, I paled. He knew my cousin as well.

That didn't deter me, though. I strode over to their table and sat down directly across from Roxas, which put me next to… I'm just joking. I remember his name now, just not then. It was Roxas's friend, Pence, for those of you who care.

"Hello, Roxas," I greeted him with a smirk.

"Uh… hey, Axel," he said back, looking the slightest bit uncomfortable.

"How've you been? Since I, you know, haven't seen you for a few days." Oh yeah, how's that for subtlety?

"I've been okay. And I'm sorry for… you know."

He probably didn't want to mention it with other people around, most likely because I didn't like the "interrogation" last time about it. "Like I said, don't worry about it. You actually reminded me of something, so it was a good thing… kind of."

While it may not have been that important, he reminded me that her anniversary was coming up in a month. I didn't go to her grave that often—it had been a few years, in face—but I owed it to her to visit on the tenth year.

"I did? Well… you're welcome, I guess."

"Yeah, so stop being afraid to talk to me, all right?" I wasn't going to admit that it was nice talking to him. I didn't know him well enough at that time to be that open with him.

"Sure. And I'm… sorry."

I waved him off. "Don't worry about it. See ya around."

With that, I got up and left, noticing Kairi looking at me out of the corner of my eye. She said nothing to me, so I just walked off.

See, crisis averted. True, looking back on it, it doesn't seem that bad, but it was at the time. Then again, I'm sure you've all argued with your friends before, right? So then you must somewhat get what I'm talking about.

Well, I'm just going to assume that you do. It's late, so I'm not in the mood to spell it out for the people who don't get it. Sorry if this was boring to all of you. It'll get better… and I so feel like someone trying to promote a movie that's boring in the beginning. I really don't want to compare my life to a movie, it's not that great. If my life was a movie, it would be some cliché comedy or some kind of tragedy. My luck, it would be the latter, just because someone upstairs hates me, I think.

And, on that depressing note, I'm ending this. You'll hear from me again soon. Maybe then I'll talk about something you might want to read about. You never know, it could happen.

* * *

Well, sorry that took awhile… and that it's so short. I just now finished my sophomore year, and I figured that this would be a good way to celebrate. Now I'm off to visit my relatives who live eight hours away, so you probably won't be seeing a new chapter from me anytime soon. I'm sorry. But please, review and give me a reason to write when I get back!


	6. RPOV: Always Another Question

Oh my god, please forgive me for being gone so long. I won't say anything else right now, only that I'm so honored to have received so many reviews, and I really hope that this chapter, despite how late it is, won't let you down.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

Needless to say, even though he forgave me for it, I felt bad about bringing up Axel's mom. I mean, sure, I had no idea about it or anything, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like kicking myself for it.

He didn't dwell on it though—he continued on like I never even brought it up—so I eventually moved past it. However, in late November, I think, it was brought back up again. This time, however, by Axel, which was very unexpected.

Days were going by faster and faster, and I was surprised by how quickly the year was rushing by. Soon I'd be out of here, and then I'd have to begin the next educational struggle: college.

While I had no idea what I wanted to major in, I wasn't stressing about it. I'd figure it out, even if it wasn't immediately. However, my mom had been pressuring me to make a decision. At the time, I couldn't stand it, but now I realize that it was only because she wanted me to have a better life than she had had, and getting a college degree and having a career would definitely be better.

Even though I didn't remember much of my life living with my dad, I knew Mom did, and that the scars still ran pretty deep, even now. Living with the constant fear that you wouldn't be able to pay the month's rent and have enough money left over for food had definitely aged her mentally, but also made her stronger. She was tough on me, even now, because she cared, and while it was hard to see that most of the time, I respected her, admired her, and loved her.

That was probably why I felt sorry for Axel, even in the beginning of our friendship. I couldn't imagine life without my mom; for better or for worse, I would not be the person I am today without her.

Maybe that was why I was determined to help Axel, because he didn't seem to have anyone who really gave a damn about him.

* * *

_On that day in November, I had noticed Axel had been down, even though he kept insisting that he was fine. His eyes betrayed his words; they didn't look as bright and lively as usual._

_I confronted him about it during study hall._

_"Really, Roxas, I'm fine," he reaffirmed when I asked him what was wrong. "Seriously, stop worrying, okay?"_

_"Can't help it," I honestly replied, knowing as soon as I said that he would tease me about it._

_"Aww… Roxy cares, huh? That's so sweet."_

_I rolled my eyes. "Sure, Axel, you keep thinking that."_

_We were silent after that, each of us returning to whatever our work happened to be. We remained that way for most of the period, until Axel coughed nervously._

_I looked up at him. "Need something."_

_"I… uh…"_

_It was rare to see him unsure of himself. I sat patiently so he could figure out what to say._

_"Remember what we talked about like a month ago? About… about my mom?"_

_How could I forget? "Yeah, I do."_

_"Well… until you brought her up, I hadn't really been thinking that much about her." At that point, I was torn between feeling guilty or asking how you could just not think about your dead mother. I decided to restrain myself from questioning. "And… I was just thinking that in three days… it'll be ten years since she killed herself."_

_I wasn't sure what to say to that. Really, what _could _I say?_

_"I'm thinking about visiting her grave, since I haven't been in forever. And I was wondering if you—and this is only if you want to, don't feel like you have to—wanted to go with me."_

_That had been… unexpected. "Shouldn't someone else go with you?" I couldn't help but ask. I hoped he knew that I didn't mean that in an offensive way; I only meant that shouldn't someone closer to him go, instead of me, who'd only been his friend for a couple of months?_

_"Well, there aren't many people I'd want to go with me. The other two are too busy at college to get away for the day, and… well, no one really knows about her besides you. Like I said, you don't have to go if you don't want."_

_That explained it. I knew I couldn't have been his first choice. The other two people had to be Demyx and Zexion, his two best friends._

_"Yeah… I'll see if I can go. After school?"_

_"Probably."_

* * *

_Axel said we could go after school, so I dutifully went with him, even though I wasn't sure how my presence would be helpful. I mean, if I was him, I wouldn't feel comfortable around someone I'd only known for a couple of months to go somewhere so personal with them. I didn't voice my concerns though. This wasn't a situation I was familiar with, so I treaded around him tentatively, not questioning his judgment._

_We met up once school ended, we took a train to the outskirts of the town. The gravesite was located on a tranquil hill, shaded by a large tree. It didn't seem dreary enough to be such a depressing place, and yet there we were, standing in front of Axel's mother's grave._

_He was quiet the entire time. He had brought flowers—I didn't know the type, but he had claimed that they were her favorite—and laid them respectfully in front of the stone. He then just stood there, head bowed, and it even appeared that his hair was drooping under the amount of grief he seemed to be feeling._

_I felt like I had lost the ability to speak. I was getting a glimpse at the boy behind the teenager, the lost child behind the clever smirk and taunting, vibrant eyes. It was one of the most somber moments in my life._

_Time had ceased to exist while we stayed there, and after some unknown amount of minutes, Axel lifted his head. There were no tears, but his eyes were misted over and shattered, and that was more sorrowing than anything. I was struck by a strange impulse then. Even now, I have no idea why I decided to do this. I only knew that I just wanted that pitiful look on his face to go away. Or I could've blamed it on the hormones; that would've made it sound a little less like a sappy romance movie._

_Well, for whatever reason was flowing through my head at the time, I just grab his shoulders and pulled him down a little so I could kiss him. It didn't last long though, only a couple seconds. Then I pulled away, feeling my cheeks heat up in embarrassment._

_Axel's expression was unreadable though. He was quiet for a few moments, leaving me to deal with all the questions roaming through my mind, like whether I just screwed up our friendship with an innocent gesture, or did he possibly _enjoy _it?_

_However, his mouth morphed into a grin, and he merely replied, "Do you kiss _all _of your grieving friends, or am I just special?"_

_…. I never wanted to punch him more than at that moment._

* * *

Thinking back on it, even when he was depressed, the guy could still be an ass. That had to be a talent of something. It was as endearing as it was infuriating.

Heh. He'd be proud to hear me describe him with so much detail.

My cell then rang, ending that train of thought. What was it with people calling me so much today…?

"Yeah?" I greeted shortly.

_"Hey, Roxas! Did I catch ya at a bad time?"_

Ah, Demyx, Axel's best friend. That was… surprising. I hadn't heard from him in a long time. "No, it's okay, what is it?"

_"I was just wondering if you heard the news."_

"Yeah, I'm at the station now."

_"Oh really? Good thing I called, I was about to go there too."_

"You don't have to, I'm picking him up."

_"All right then. Uh… this is awkward."_

Talking to Demyx was always so… fun. "What is?"

_"Well… you _sure _you want to pick Axel up? I mean, I can if you don't want to. It's cool."_

Great, another person trying to convince that I shouldn't do this. But, why is he trying to help _me? _I mean, sure, we were friends, but not particularly close.

"It's fine Demyx, okay?"

_"Okay, man. Call me when he gets here?"_

"I will. See ya."

I hung up, not giving him the chance to reply. I liked him, but he did irritate me a lot. I could only handle him in small doses, and he probably felt the same way about me. I got along more with Zexion, his boyfriend. We were both more towards the quiet, shy side, and he wasn't annoying.

I probably should've asked Demyx if he heard from Axel himself, or if he got the news from somebody else. As far as I knew, I was the only one who had heard from him, not counting Kairi. He should've at least called Demyx, if no one else.

What a cycle this was. Axel always had the habit of leaving me with more questions than answers, which even now continues to trouble me.

Like now. The biggest question was, of course, why was he now coming back? What changed? Has _anything _changed?

I better get an answer. If I don't…

My hands started shaking. No, this can't be pointless. He can't just be screwing with me, no, screwing around with everyone. He can't be that much of a bastard. If he is… then I'll be ashamed that I even knew him.

And I really, _really _don't want to regret knowing him.

* * *

Oh, what a chapter that was. I apologize for the shortness. I just lost all direction with this story over the summer. I know have a rough outline of what I want to do with it, but it's not set in stone. Hopefully, though, I won't disappear for so long again.

So… please review? The reviews I got for the last chapter made me so happy, and I thank you all for them.


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